It's safe to say that as a female my moods can change depending on the situation. For example, this morning I made a grilled cheese sandwich. I was excited about my sandwich, it smelled sooo good. When I took a bite out of said edible material, it was super salty. Why was it salty? I must have used the wrong type of butter...I don't know, but I do know that it sabotaged my morning, and now I am obligated to buy myself a nice cup of coffee.
When it comes to reading, I read books based on my mood. A few weeks ago I wasn't into the "happily ever after" mood that I am used to. I wanted a different kind of "happy" so I read this book and this one. However, two months ago I was giddy to read about long lasting love and recommended this book to everyone I know. Let's just say that lately I have been feeling down. I know what you are thinking (I am going to read some depressing book), but you are wrong. I refuse to let my moods bring me down! Reading is supposed to improve my mood. So, I decided to read two of the three books that have me laugh in public (my number one is Lamb by Christopher Moore and it deserves its own post). The books are Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris and The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro.
Let's just say that you took my recommendation very seriously but did not want to read one of these books. I know they are essays, and well high-school was years ago for some of us, but they have the potential of making you laugh! Anyway, let me share one of my favorite essays from Ms.Notaro's book.
I don't drink. Let me re-phrase that - I only drink when I am with Stephanie. We have a really good time together! She is super happy and I am super hot (temperature wise) and she laughs and I complain. It's perfect. So of course one of my favorite essay is the "stinkin'-drunk twelve-step program". I recommend you take a look through the list. I was surprised to know that these steps are insanely accurate with other people's behavior, not mine. I love to watch what people do while they are inebriated. It's amazing to see individuals open up, and try to be as free as a bird. No buts, no regrets, and no respect for personal space. Now here is the list, I really hope you enjoy it and I am sure you'll relate somehow.
Step One: The Call of the Drink
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding the appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the initial lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink. (the next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)
Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" the most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs-Dialing While Intoxicated-which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step Eight: "It's ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different from before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step Ten: I Love Being Me
You are witty. You being feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. you may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the side walk. It is at this point that you will not remeber the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.
Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.
When it comes to reading, I read books based on my mood. A few weeks ago I wasn't into the "happily ever after" mood that I am used to. I wanted a different kind of "happy" so I read this book and this one. However, two months ago I was giddy to read about long lasting love and recommended this book to everyone I know. Let's just say that lately I have been feeling down. I know what you are thinking (I am going to read some depressing book), but you are wrong. I refuse to let my moods bring me down! Reading is supposed to improve my mood. So, I decided to read two of the three books that have me laugh in public (my number one is Lamb by Christopher Moore and it deserves its own post). The books are Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris and The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro.
Let's just say that you took my recommendation very seriously but did not want to read one of these books. I know they are essays, and well high-school was years ago for some of us, but they have the potential of making you laugh! Anyway, let me share one of my favorite essays from Ms.Notaro's book.
I don't drink. Let me re-phrase that - I only drink when I am with Stephanie. We have a really good time together! She is super happy and I am super hot (temperature wise) and she laughs and I complain. It's perfect. So of course one of my favorite essay is the "stinkin'-drunk twelve-step program". I recommend you take a look through the list. I was surprised to know that these steps are insanely accurate with other people's behavior, not mine. I love to watch what people do while they are inebriated. It's amazing to see individuals open up, and try to be as free as a bird. No buts, no regrets, and no respect for personal space. Now here is the list, I really hope you enjoy it and I am sure you'll relate somehow. The Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve-Step Program by Laurie Notaro
The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Pg.39-42
The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Pg.39-42
Step One: The Call of the Drink
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding the appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the initial lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink. (the next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)
Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" the most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs-Dialing While Intoxicated-which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step Eight: "It's ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different from before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step Ten: I Love Being Me
You are witty. You being feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. you may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the side walk. It is at this point that you will not remeber the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.
Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.
This made me go "ha!" several times. Like, I was kinda surprised to find myself laughing. That's not a bad thing, I just don't often laugh out loud when reading... whether it be books or blogs. Anyway. This totally made me LOL.
ReplyDelete(And P.S. I am not THAT bad.)